SQL stats - my primary site is being HAMMERED - HELP!

Might be after the fact now, but are you running a web firewall like WordFence?
You can still install it and let it scan, may help to determine what the problem is.

I run WP Security Pro; the scan shows no MALWARE, though. Thanks for the input

It seems that something (most likely what you put in your .htaccess file) is converting the vistor’s browser User Agent into an URL.

What exactly did you put in your .htaccess file to trigger these 403 errors?

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